Marriage Sexual problems

By mdsingleton on Sat, 09-18-10, 18:15

Posted in Group:

My marriage is in serious trouble because my husband does not want to have sex anymore. We had been married about two years when I noticed that we had not made love in a few weeks. As the months stretched by, I tried talking about it, wearing sexy lingere, morning sex, initiating sex, reading him Bible verses about sex being a good thing between husband and wife, and asking him to seek medical help.

The doctor(s) told him he has ED from the high blood pressure pills he was taking. My husband refused all of the standard ED meds, citing the possible side effects. His answer was to lose weight and get off the high blood pressure meds. He and I have only had sex six or so times in the past three years. I admit, I have nagged him and gotten angry at him about his weight, the sex issue, and his refusal to take any ED medications.

I try not to be angry with him a lot, because I know it must be embarassing to have ED. I do sympathize with him, because this is his third marriage. His first wife cheated on him, and a teenager tried to force him to perform oral sex on him when he was young. I have suggested therapy to deal with his issues in the past, but he refuses.

If I get angry at him for a couple of days, he will grudgingly do a few sexual things I ask him. But it is so humiliating to have to practically force him to touch me. I nearly always feel worse afterwards.

The horrible thing is that when I let it go and start being kind and generally loving to him again, he responds in kind. I start feeling emotionally close to him, then sexually attracted to him, then the merry-go-round starts all over again.

I think about divorce or an affair almost every week. I don't want to do either. I still love him, but this is making us miserable.

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By April on Sun, 09-19-10, 11:59

Welcome to SupportGroups & thank you for sharing with us. I have to say it IS wonderful when a couple still love eachother & are willing to guide/support/lead or NAG their way to get to a better resolution for the situation, I admire you for that & I truly understand the temptation portion & had to realize too that it would only make things more complicated for all & wouldnt be fair to someone else if they wanted more from us, AND they usually DO. The frustration though makes one start to CRAVE. We're all in this together so keep talking/venting with us.

Take care of you.

April

Choose wisely, treat kindly

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By mdsingleton on Sun, 09-19-10, 14:50

Thank you so much for your support, I feel better jest talking about the problem with someone who understands. You are right. I do feel cravings, and it's puting me in a bad mood. I am doing well so far at avoiding temptation, my church members are very friendly and supportive.

The bad thing about it is that he does not seem to be bothered. I'm so mad at him for his blissful oblivion. He actually just asked me what is wrong. I'm so tired of explaining that although he does not apparently feel sexual desire or a need for physical intimacy, I do.

I try to stave it off for as long as I can, but it flares up again when I attempt to talk to him or get physical.
Maybe it would be for the best if I did have an affair and just leave him alone.

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By Lil_Dipper on Sun, 09-19-10, 13:05

I think that men feel an awful lot of pressure to perform. It is tied to their ego and masculinity. It must be very difficult for him.
You seem to be so caring, that I know you will try to do everything you can to help him. However, sometimes being direct is not always helpful. When you lay things out on the table, I believe that people generally tend to feel confronted.
Perhaps using an indirect approach by not asking for what you want and continuing to love and support him will go a long way. After all, women are the same, in that regard. They open up sexually when men do things for them that are not sexual: For instance, by buying them flowers, planning a romantic evening, showing them how much they love them with an act of loyalty or consideration...
And it's great that you are aligned with God on the importance of a well-rounded relationship.
I pray that your temptation will pass and that you will forgo medicating your need for physical contact by fleeing into the arms of a stranger.

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By mdsingleton on Sun, 09-19-10, 16:34

Thank you for the wise advice. I have great respect for your comments. You are right that God has helped me thus far. I want things to work out between me and my husband, I just don't know how.

What should I do when I feel that need for physical contact? Reaching out to my husband doesn't work.

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By puppydoglvr on Sun, 09-19-10, 17:09

Mdsingleton, I am really very sorry for what you are going through. I think that you are an amazing woman for standing by your husband through thick and thin and haven't succumb to any temptations.

This may be very simple advice, but have you thought of maybe starting an exercise program together. You can even use yourself as an excuse and let him know that you'd like to get in better shape, and ask him to help motivate you by working out together. It can be as simple as talking walks together. Also, maybe working to change your diet together so that he doesn't feel like it's all about the ED. If you put the focus on both of your health, that can help get him through the weight loss.

Sending you many positive vibes and wishing you all of the best.

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By mdsingleton on Thu, 09-30-10, 17:47

Thank you very much for your suggestions, and for your caring. I really appreciate your thinking about me.

Asking him to exercise with me is a good idea. I’ve asked before, but never made it about me before. That might work if it’s very light and easy exercise, like a short walk. Now that you mention it, I could use some exercise. Maybe it would burn the stress of this situation off.

He has started to read a Bible devotional to me in the mornings. The first couple of times he did it, I just stared at him like I couldn’t stand him. But now I listen to what he is reading. He is devoted to making this work. Although he only wants to do it his way, I think he is trying a little.

I can’t do this alone. Thanks to friends like you online, I don’t have to.

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By Canada Guy on Wed, 10-06-10, 12:06

Hello, I wanted to reply to what you wrote on 09/30/2010. I originally posted on the depression bord, some of my story is there. I have an sexual problem due to Low Testosterone, and having been molseted by another boy when I was about 7. I am finally getting the right testosterone therapy via shots. I don't have ED, but I am unable to initiate sex with my wife unless I drink and get relaxed or I massage her. We have been in a sexual rut for many years. I believe I have some form of PTSD regarding normal sexual initiation. I don't know how to be a normal romantic adult right now, I am more like a scared kid most times. We have been married over 6 years,and we lived together for about 4 years before that. I feel like our marriage is in trouble, we have had a good sex life in the past, but she mostly initiated sex before, I can't expect her to always initate sex. I understand she is very frustrated and angry, I hope we can save our marriage. I love her so very much. I understand your frustration too. I hope you and your hubby can work this out. I hope some of what I say may be helpful to you in some way.

CanadaGuy

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By April on Wed, 10-06-10, 16:44

Hey Canada, Welcome to SupportGroups.com, have you ever discussed this w/your wife & sought therapy or marriage counselor if affordable? It is a long process to learn from within ones self & can be overwhelming for both partners but well worth the effort if you want to keep the marriage/relationship alive as you say you love her so very much.

Take care of you.

April

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By Canada Guy on Tue, 10-12-10, 15:38

April,
Thanks for your reply. I did discuss the abuse with my wife, she seems to understand since she had a similar type of problem. However, she is running out of patience with my slow progress though. I did have some counseling in the past, for other issues. I recently had a counselor whom I brought up the sexual abuse issue with, but she responded in a way that made me feel she did not take me seriously, and what happend to me was just boys playing doctor. For me it was traumatic and I felt the boy had power over me, and I questioned myself, why did not I just leave him and tell someone. I am not seeing that counselor any more since she seemed to put a lot of her own religious beliefs and values on me instead of listening to what I was really saying. I am not a born again Christian as she is, I did not need faith based counseling.
We cannot afford a counselor right now, I don't have insurance. I am interested in more sex with my wife, and I am often at a loss of how to be creativly romantic and be at ease at the same time. I have bought a book on How to be romantic, but I still need to deal with my anxiety. Lately, my wife and I can have sex about 1 to 3 times a month, but we want more out of our sex lives. We have a nice garden tub which is helpful to relax together. I need to find myself again and not be so anxious and pressured feeling. That is not attractive to a woman. Someone in another post mentioned something about some online sex or romance courses. I have never heard of those. Does anyone have any idea what the courses are? Since I don't drive, that would be helpful for me. I do feel sad and lonely right now, there seems to be some distance between us now, that was not there before. I wonder if she still likes me at times. I will try to hang in there.
Thanks, and Take care.

CanadaGuy

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By April on Sat, 10-16-10, 13:15

Am sorry the counselor did not consider the severity of what this has done to you long term.

I'm not sure of an online course but bet you could Google it & find other methods that would make you more comfortable & suit your wife & your needs. They have a Healthy Sex site here off to the left that may offer other options/leads though.

Keep up the good work, I admire you for finding other ways.

April

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