Embarrasing Sex Drive Issues.

I have no advice im sorry but im having the same problem!! I know exactly how u feel!! I dont know if he is or has cheated but hes constantly lookn at otha women! There is nothing wrong with me well i dont believe im unattractive and i know other ppl find me ratha attractive but i dont feel attractive enough for my man. If i had my way id b jumping all ova him all day everyday but sometimes its like he doesnt want me, he wants the blonde bitch on tv, the black girl with a massive ass or asian slut next door (i am not being racist here im using examples of things that catch his beautiful eyes) My drive is much higher than his much higher which is kinda strange given what abuse ive taken from him. I feel inadequate and unwanted. I understand how u feel.

I dont think u should feel embarrassed tho.. I think he should b!!

Are we sisters?!?!?!?! I LOVE sex would prefer it more than once a day at least every day... also have had to settle for once or twice a week... When he had the affair I told him how DARE you do that for someone else when you obviously can not keep up with ME!!!!! I have read though as men have less sex their body gets used to decreased testosterone and their levels drop depleting their sex drive... The problem is NOT us!!! When my husband was going to the gym all the time his sex drive was much better... still not the same as mine but still was better than now.
Sometimes I wonder if trauma in the bedroom causes us to crave sex more. I have had some horrible horrible things happen with exs and I know how you feel.
Funny, my friends can tell when I have not had sex in awhile... because I become for lack of a better term a bitch.... I am grumpy irritable, and since my husbands affair now it make me depressed.
For me I have been having trouble finishing because for the first time in my life sex is emotional. I am now having a mental block with sex and I dont completely trust him so the big O is harder to get to.
Although I think last night I may have had a break through!!!! Normally sex now starts with me saying something like so...... not tonight? Just because I have been rejected enough and he normally responds with its ok I will stay up... its like not enthusiastic at all. Well, last night I laid in bed and said nothing was just going to go to sleep because I am super sick! Well, he started kissing my shoulders and ya.... best night of sex I have had in MONTHS. There was no pressure FINALLY he initiated it, finally HE wanted to have sex! WITH ME!!! Best orgasm in a long time... anyway, maybe that would help you too if he showed he wants you before you have to do a thing....

Oh wow, thanks everyone! I thought I was alone in this. I feel less embarrassed now… I’ve always been nervous bringing up this subject.

Suz, I know what you mean about looking at other women. He used to do that all the time but since the affair I have laid down the law. No porn, no looking at other women, just me because otherwise I get very hurt and angry. He complies because he’s already screwed up so seriously and he wants the relationship to work.

Niki, I think you’re right we must be sisters. I’m glad we found each other! I’ve talked to my partner a lot about him initiating more and now he does occasionally… but the problem is I never believe he’s really into it because I’ve brought it up so many times it is like it is a chore for him. You know what bugs me, he’s upset that I don’t like him masturbating because we don’t have sex enough as it is, but he wants to do that on his own instead. I think you’re right about trauma in the bedroom making us want more sex. I talked with a therapist about that once, and she said that wanting sex all the time is our way of reclaiming sex as a positive thing, and that it is extremely healthy. That’s a lot better than the people that have the same experiences and it ruins sex for them for the rest of their lives, so I’m glad that I was one of the lucky ones. It is very inconvenient at times like this though, but somehow it will get better. Niki, I am so happy for you!!! Congrats on last night! I hope it continues to get better for you!

Wow I never thought about that being a possibility. I agree thank God we are the lucky ones that it does not ruin sex. Although I agree it can be inconvenient when your so does not cater to our extreme needs lol. I agree I would be SUPER pissed if my husband masturbated!! Ever since my husbands affair I have been afraid to and no longer can masturbate... This may sound terribly horrible but religion has RUINED it for me. It seems as though when I go long periods of doing self help every night things go bad... I mean real real bad. While I was pregnant I was doing it almost every night since my husband was not very interested in sex. When I passed so many weeks and knew my son was healthy I thought one night after I finished well God you cant punish me by taking my baby he is to far along what is the worst that could happen. Automatically I thought Pablo could cheat..... I instantly dismissed that cause he would never.... And then he did. So now I feel like I will be somehow punished if I do.
I tried one night and broke out in tears.. because I feel like if I do someone is going to die... or my husband will cheat again. OMG I sound flippin nuts!!! I have NEVER told anyone that!!! But I needed to get it off my chest I have had that connection between my masturbating and things going wrong in my life as long as I can remember. So now I am terrified of it. Please tell me I have not completely lost it.

No, you haven’t lost it. I don’t masturbate because of flashbacks but I have other superstitious habits like that. I think it is normal… we learn to associate an activity with something and then even if it is coincidence it becomes impossible to shake off.

Ugh, I am having a bad night. I really made an effort with my partner today. Lots of things, but in the end to get his attention I took off all my clothes except nice lingerie and an apron to bake cookies and was being very flirty and he ignored me for his video games. I was hurt and eventually gave up, which apparently wasn’t ok and we had a big fight AGAIN. Even asking him if he’d set an alarm for the morning (we use his phone for that) was enough to set him off when we went up to bed. If I’m not allowed to use his phone without permission, how am I supposed to do that? This is life right now… being ignored because of things that are somehow always my fault. It gets better for a few days and then we always end up back here. At least we see a counselor on Tuesday, but we don’t talk about sex issues there.

Sometimes I wonder if he picks fights to avoid sex. Does that ever happen to you?

Ya, I think my husband used to. Not so much anymore, now if he is not in the mood he just kind of ignores me when I try to make a move... So he is a gamer? I am too I found back in the day that playing games with my husband in next to nothing helped because I was getting involved in something that he enjoyed.
Do you ever have that feeling like maybe if I ignored you and did not act like I want sex that MAYBE then you would want me?? I have that thought all the time and then the fear of going a LONG time without sex gets the better of me.
I once considered maybe I am a sex addict, but I have never been unfaithful I just really really really enjoy sex and want it often. I do not know what separates an addict from someone that just loves sex a lot.... Anyway, we need to get our men to up there sex drive!!!!!
I worry women are supposed to hit there sexual peak in there 30s I am only 26 and my sex drive is and has been crazy.... If it gets any worse what the hell am I going to do?!?!

Yeah, he’s a gamer. I play games with him a lot when I have time and have tried wearing next to nothing while we play too, with rarely any results. Once in a while he’ll want to do things with me WHILE playing video games and then I make him put them away because it is hard to do anything exciting then and I feel ignored more. I did once try ignoring him back and he just didn’t care and that was a loooooong month. So I don’t try that anymore.

You know, I thought maybe I was a sex addict too, but then I talked to a doctor about it and she didn’t think so. I have never cheated either and it is my impression that sex addicts usually do or end up watching a lot of porn if they aren’t getting sex, but I’m not sure. I worry about reaching my sexual peak too! I know exactly what you mean. I’m dreading it because things don’t seem to be improving much at home.

Thanks for your support. It really meant a lot to see that somebody responded. It was a rough night.

I'd like to approach this question from a slightly different direction if I might. If I were in the same position as you ladies, I would first INSIST that my partner get to his physician and have a COMPLETE PHYSICAL EXAM, from head to toe, and everything in between. What I'd particularly want checked would be first of all his testosterone level. Although it isn't talked about much, a man's testosterone levels begin to drop when he gets to be about 30-years-old, and about 30% of all men go through something called "andropause" which is somewhat similar to a women's menopause. In "andropause", the man's testosterone levels drop, sometimes drastically. But the situation can usually be very easily corrected with either hormone pills, patches, or shots. PLEASE NOTE: This condition is very different than the problems which Viagra, Cialis, and/or Levitra treat. With those drugs, you are concerned with blood flow to the penis. What I'm talking about, however, is a low level of the male sex hormone which can result in a total loss of sex drive, regardless of who his partner might be. The doctor needs to check not only "free" testosterone, but also serum testosterone to make sure everything is okay.

I would also want certain hormone levels that are controlled by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in the brain. Specifically, I'd want the doctor to test for the follicle stimulating hormone (F.S.H.), the thyroid stimulating hormone (T.S.H.), and the luteinizing hormone (LL.H.). All of these tests involve various organs which are part of the endocrine system, and if any one of them is not working correctly, the whole system is in trouble, and the man's testes and adrenal glands, the two organs that produce testosterone, are both a part of the endocrine system.

Next, I'm want his blood sugar levels checked. It might be possible that he has an undiagnosed case of diabetes, and this involves the pancreas, which is another part of the endocrine system. Diabetes can lead to all kinds of sexual problems, so it's very important for a man to keep an eye on his blood sugar levels.

Finally, I would want the doctor to check his blood pressure and heart. Hypertension can affect sexual activity and a man's sexual response, as can heart problems. If everything checks out okay, then you're ready to move on to the next step.

There are two (2) ways you can go here. First, you can go with a therapist or counselor who has had some experience with sexual disorders, but depending on where you live, such an individual might be somewhat difficult to find. Or the other option is to talk with a certified sex therapist and see if you can work out your differences in desire.

Now believe it or not, there is an organization here in the U.S. that really does certify folks like this. It is called the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and their website is located at: www.aasect.org/. Most association members are physicians and surgeons, psychologists and social workers, sex educators, and even a few priests, ministers, rabbis, and nuns. Anyone who's involved with sexual dysfunction, or with the sexual education of our children. Members are totally and completely professional, and there's no sexual craziness that goes on here at all. On the website, you will find a listing of their members along with their office addresses. Also, you will find their areas of expertise listed to make it easier for you to find someone who can help you. So there you have my suggestions. Hope something here helps.